My very first Mother’s day!

Today was my first mother’s day. What I got was a cranky baby that wants to be walked around, fight eating, and nap every 20 minutes. Poor baby is teething so she’s in some pain. I don’t mind her tantrums. What upsets me is when people see her tantrums (other than Steve) and I feel like they think I’m a bad mom because I just let her cry/scream.

Anyway, really, today wasn’t all bad. We woke up around the same time; Elli, Steve, and I. Mom made us some breakfast. I did ALL our laundry, including soaked all of her clothes that had formula stains. I also baked brownies, made Nesquik flavored butter cream from scratch. It was pretty yummy, but not chocolatey enough for me. Then, we had a mini photo shoot. Eleanor wasn’t really into it, so we had to cut it short. I took about 40 pictures and only seven are usable!

Mot of the pictures, however, were more like this bad boy:

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Then I decided I really wanted Taco Bell and we wound up getting our meal for free because they messed up our order yesterday! (I’m addicted to black bean burritos. Don’t hate my cause ya ain’t me.)

All in all my day was okay. We’re going to print the good pictures and frame them. I’m not mad at how they turned out!!!

Happy mother’s day to all my mommy visitors!!!

Adventures in Nappy Time

Eleanor likes to take morning naps. She will usually wake up after a full night’s sleep and, with a little activity, be ready for her nap. Our morning routine is she usually sleep between 8-9 hours, I hear her moving around, I prepare her ba ba, I go into the bedroom and line up her diaper change gear, I pick her up, look at her smile, hug her tight, tell her I love her and I missed her, lay her down, change her, feed her, and then we get into some fun. She usually likes to play a little bit with those weird sensory balls that are new since I was baby. Then, she wants to walk a little and talk to me a little bit. After that, usually what takes about an hour to an hour and a half, she’s ready for some sleep.

Now, when I lay her little butt down, she screams, she wails, she cries, and flops her body around. She HATES it. After about twenty minutes of fighting, she’s fast asleep. Today she only fought me for ten minutes and is resting peacefully in her playpen in front of a fan!

I love my little noodle <3

Elli LOVES to look at herself!

Vulnerability

I am not good at showing my vulnerable side. I like to say because I’m a Scorpio because that’s like a basic trait of a Scorpio. Ultimately, I’ve showed my sensitive, vulnerable side to a few people and each one has burned me in some way. So, for the most part, I stay closed off and locked inside my shell.

Steve has seen very little of this side of me. He’s the only person on earth who has seen it this much. I’m not afraid to show him this side of me, but it has become habit to hide. When we move, I will be completely open and vulnerable to him. We will be living on his terms, basically, and I won’t be able to run to my mom when things are bad or whatever. I’m not afraid, and, in fact, I even embrace this change. Steve and I are at a point where I’m ready to do this and completely give myself to him 100%.

But, as mentioned previously, people hurt me when I am vulnerable. This is a given I suppose. My mom has recently said something that has been lingering and gnawing at me. She said she wanted to go on a diet with me. She’s made jabs at me for my entire life over my weight. She doesn’t mean it to be as mean as it comes out, but I’m tired of it. I just had a baby. I’m doubly emotional right now. I lost weight when I had Eleanor, but that’s not enough. I’m very upset about this because my mom literally has starved herself to a size 00 and I refuse to hurt my body. Until I find something that works or figure out why — I’m going to stay big. Scientists used to say it wasn’t genetic, but if you looked at my ENTIRE family, we’re all overweight. Specifically my father’s side. I accepted myself as big. I didn’t hate myself anymore. I was comfortable in my own skin. But now I find myself wearing my maternity pants and any shirt I can find to hide my rack. It’s freaking 80*F outside. I’m sweating half to death, but I am afraid my mom will dig at me. I already hate myself due to postpartum depression. So, thanks, mom.

I’m also an emotional eater. This is a learned habit because my MOM always gave me a treat when I was sad or upset OR she bribed me. So essentially my mom made me who I am. NOW she wants to fix it? I’ve made a vow to lose weight and teach Elli healthy habits. I’m not talking wheat grass drinks and crazy gym rat hours, but balance. She’s not going to steady have soda like Steve and I have had and grew up with. She’s not going to have chips and junk. These will be treats for appropriate occasions.

Now I feel shitty and want some ice cream.

I can’t wait for my new toys!

I have a really cool, neato touch-screen desktop computer that my wonderful stepdaddy bought for me a couple years ago. I love that computer, but there are some things that make it no longer functional for me. The hardware is messed up, it’s incredibly laggy (needs major work to bring it back to life), and it’s a little bit outdated. Last year I bought a laptop with the intent to go back to school. This baby came with Windows 8 (which sucks HORRIBLY) and runs sooo smoothly like it’s brand new.

You ever think to yourself, when I get a new computer, I’m going to ________ and ________? I’m like, I’m going to organize better, delete more, and maintain that sumbitch. Well, here I am! Trying to keep it classy. And since I hardly know how to operate Windows 8 (it’s seriously a wreck and like starting over in the computer world), I’m able to create folders now and organize. I’m so proud!

So for my new laptop I ordered a wireless mouse and an external hard drive. I can’t wait to have my little set up again. I can use my desktop computer, but it’s so slow that trying to wait for things to load while holding Elli has just become SUCH an inconvenience. Plus, my typing wakes her up. IΒ could get a new keyboard but I’m looking to downsize anyway for our next home.

I can’t wait for my goodies to get here. I haven’t gotten anything for myself like this in a year and I feel like my old self when I get to talk about/think about the nerdy stuff!

Moving {possibly} and other thoughts.

Steve is scheduled for vacation in a few weeks. During this time he is going to prep our house for mine and our baby’s arrival. I want it to be seamless, where her and I can basically just plug in without much to get used to. So when we’re able to move in without much stuff going on like remodeling and cleaning, then we’ll go to our new home. I’m excited because I feel like Eleanor will feel more settled once we go there. My poor baby has the hardest time falling/staying asleep and has nightmares ALL the time. We currently stay with my mom. I’m certain that her house is haunted. (You can call me crazy as I’ve been called worse!)

Staying with my mom is sometimes hard. It feels like I’m 20 years old again and like things are exactly the same as before I moved out. I can’t wait to move and be somewhere where I won’t be judged for letting Elli cry it out in her crib when I’ve done all I can for her or where I won’t be worried about mood swings or be told how to parent my kid. Sure, I’m new to this, but let ME figure it out. Unless I ask for help, don’t just assume I want it. It only makes me resent you.

Then, I’ve been considering when Steve and I are officially in our new home. We will be closer to his work and I will finally be able to find a night job. I don’t mind being a stay at home mom, but I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. Like I’m not contributing to society. Like I’m not doing my part. I stay at home and take care of a baby. Steve says it’s a hard job, but I don’t see how. I don’t feel as fulfilled as when I would come home from my bakery every day. I guess I’m just trying to get used to the change of pace. Elli isΒ very demanding and needs constant attention, but since I’m not moving as much and physically creating anything, I think I’m feeling worthless.

Also, I’ve been talking to Steve about “me time”. I don’t like calling it that, but that’s what it’d be basically. Like some days he would be able to do his video editing and recording, then other days I’d be able to work on my site or anything I want to do. So we both share the parenting responsibilities but then we also get a good balance of time to ourselves to do the things we loved and did regularly. I think this would be healthy for ALL of us especially Eleanor. Sometimes I think I’m selfish. Before Eleanor came along, I used to tell Steve that I’m too selfish to become a mother. I still am. I admit it. Even though IΒ am selfish, I still do for Elli 100%. I give her all of me until I feel like I’m going to break and then whatever is leftover I try to do my thing.

I guess the moral of the story is that we’re moving sometime in the near future and I’m talking to Steve about setting up a schedule. πŸ˜›

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