I want to run away.

I was just telling Steve this scenario that I had worked out in my head and he laughed at me and said, “you really thought that through.”

I am so depressed and sad about life that I just want to go away where no one can find me. And by “I,” I really mean Eleanor and I. I want to take her somewhere. I don’t know where and I don’t know how far or long we’d travel, but I want to go. I wouldn’t be able to afford formula so I’d have to steal it state-to-state. I’d be known as the Similac Bandit. Then, when the police catch me they’d take pity on me and let me go. And Similac would feel so sorry for me they’d send me free formula for five years.

I thought of that on the spot though. But it does sound like fool’s paradise. Me and Elli on the run. Hanging out. Like Heartbreakers (the movie) or Thelma and Louise. Ride or die, Elli!! RIDE OR DIE.

Battling some pretty serious depression

In the beginning of Eleanor being born, I was really tired and groggy from my c-section. I just felt like I couldn’t wake up because when I wasn’t feeling drugged out, I was basically a milk machine and every hour she wanted to eat. (Later found out I wasn’t producing enough milk πŸ™ .) At about six weeks, I had to switch her to formula. She was finally starting to eat as much as she needed and I was able to sleep through the night.

When I switched her to formula, I had no idea the amount of self-loathing that would pour in. I felt like an utter failure even more so than when I couldn’t keep her belly filled. I felt like a bad mom at the beginning, but the hormones of not being able to breast feed just made me feel worthless. I still feel pretty worthless. I hate myself. I gained back all my weight and then some that I lost while breastfeeding because I’m eating this feeling. I feel empty. I feel stupid. I feel awful. I feel like a horrible mom.

I went to my doctor a few days ago and told him how I’m feeling per the suggestion of a friend of mine. My doctor prescribed me Zoloft which has given me EXTREME nausea, INTENSE migraines, and the worst kind of drunk dizzy I ever experienced. I mean, it felt like when you have way too much to drink and you’re hungover and drunk at the same time. I called the doctor and left a message but they’ve yet to get back to me. Until then, I have stopped taking it.

I’m just glad I have Steve to rely on. He understands what I’m going through and I am leaning on him an incredible amount. I never knew I could depend on someone so much andΒ they could actually come through for me. I would be nowhere without him. I don’t tell him though because I’m just afraid of being exposed still.

Today I went for an interview for a part time cake decorator. Which, for those who know me, is one of the biggest dream jobs for me. I got the job and I start on Monday. I’m hoping that having somewhere to go and do and be able to socialize with other people again helps me come out of this funk. I’ve been depressed before so I know I can “wake up” so to speak.

I wanted to explain my feelings and stuff just in case I post on this again at a later date. Postpartum depression is very real and it’s nothing to be ashamed of (except that I was in the beginning, until I talked to my friend about it).

Back to basics & an apology

I decided to go back to my old theme because I was trying to figure out a way to better organize my stuff. When I found a way I liked, I was having issues with getting around using the Twenty Fifteen theme. When WordPress updates themes, you basically lose all your stuff if you edit the “parent” theme files. So I said screw it — I’ll go back to my own theme that I can further make my biatch.

After making the switch back, I reorganized my pages a little bit & updated mine and Elli’s pages! We now have cute header pictures that I am super in love with <3 I also tweaked my fonts and the general appearance of this theme (it’s bigger! YAY!) I got to do so much because Steve is on vacation this week and today was a free day!

Steve was going to work on our house for his vacation, but Eleanor has been having a messed up sleep-week so he was up with her all night Thursday to Friday night and then Friday to Saturday. She’ll get back to normal, but part of me really believes it’s because we are feeling incredibly unsettled that she’s starting to have nightmares and sleeping issues. She naps a whole bunch throughout the day which I don’t mind because I can do things like work on the site and stuff. But, when she’s not doing well in another area I get worried. It’ll be okay. πŸ™‚

I wanted to apologize to all my readers because I feel like I’ve been whining a lot. I don’t mean to whine, but I just need to vent. I used to be able to call my mom and tell her how I was feeling, but now she’s/her place is one of the sources of my issues so I can’t really talk to her about it. Maybe someday, but not anytime soon. I had to put a few relatives on restriction for fear of them reporting my Facebook posts to her. Meh. Anyway…

I hope you enjoy the sort of new look & hope you’re well!

P.S. Almost forgot. Hopefully by the end of the week Steve, Elli, and I will be moved into our new home. I was thinking once we are settled in and in a groove that I would host monthly pixel contests on here and sort of like a pixel club. I was a huge fan of the contests when I visited The Q*Bee, but since their not-super-recent change, I haven’t been into the contests. Anyway, I was thinking about doing it ~ what are your thoughts and/or suggestions on the matter? Should I make a completely separate site or just leave it here? Tell me ALL your thoughts about this AND if you’d be interested in helping πŸ˜‰ <3

THANKS, LOVES! Have a beautiful weekend!

Never judging a book by its cover.

Right now I am in complete awe of some things I have learned recently. People aren’t who they say they are. They are completely the opposite of how they represent themselves even. This is a really huge kick in the ass because the person who I have learned these things about is someone I trusted with my entire life.

So I have misjudged someone else because of the things someone is saying/telling me/explaining what happened. I feel like an ass, I really do.

Then, I’ve tried to take a step back from life. Trying to look at it from another perspective. I want to be a better person and a better mother. I’m trying anyway. One thing that I have accepted is that I’m never going to have a storybook father daughter relationship with my biological father. That’s okay. I don’t really want it anymore. I have Eleanor. Someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who depends on me and needs me. Quite honestly I don’t know what happened back then and I can’t get a straight answer out of anyone even when I’m asking for them. I don’t need to know anymore. I want him, my stepmom, and my daughter to all know each other because, I mean this in the nicest way possible, maybe he will be a better grandfather than a father. He’s not a bad guy. He’s not evil. He just doesn’t know how to make the right choices (or didn’t) and I take things way personally.

I attribute my anger towards him and apprehension to the fact that I hardly know him. For example, my stepdad, who is my dad, didn’t answer my phone calls and forgot to call me back. I started to get really anxious because I immediately thought I did something to make him mad and he hated me now. Logically, this makes no sense because my stepdad would do anything for me (and the rest of his kids), but I can’t help but feel like I’m not loved because of my daddy issues. I gotta let that crap go, man.

So I’m putting all of my focus on Elli. Who, by the way, is laying in my bed right now fast asleep. I was always one of those people in the camp of “co-sleeping is dangerous!” Well, I didn’t have a baby and I didn’t have a baby that would have nightmares and cry/whimper all night if I wasn’t next to her. So we’ve been sleeping together more and I’m actually able to sleep better!

I have definitely learned in this last week — do not judge a book by its cover.

Re-Blog: Blogging for Cuties

This is a cutie’s guide (similar to the Idiot’s guide or for Dummies, but for cuties like you and me!) to blogging. This was a previous post I’d made in 2011, but have updated (finally) for 2015!! Enjoy and let me know if you have some more tips or questions πŸ™‚

Updated and Re-Blogged: May 11, 2015

In this article I will cover: 1. How to make the decisions regarding blogging 2. What venues to go through (where to start and how to dive in) and 3. Various ways to get more traffic and POSSIBLY make money for blogging!

STEP 1 — IS BLOGGING FOR ME? WHAT NAME SHOULD I HAVE? WHAT SHOULD I TALK ABOUT?

Recently, I have had a few people that I know (and love) asking me how to begin blogging. I have personally been blogging since I was about 15 years old (even though the beginning was a lot of crap about boys and school — lol) and I have become an expert at the blog scene. I know it seems a little haughty to be saying that, but whatevs… the point of this post is to share my expertise on the matter! When I started blogging, it was basically just to get noticed. Now, however, I blog because I want to get a LOT out. If you are thinking about blogging because you want to vent and get your day to day life’s BS out — then great! If you just want to share what happens in your life and show off your adorable family — great too! If you want to share your thoughts about certain opinions and subjects — awesome! The point is, if you just want to talk then there is no better way to do it than blogging. Blogging lets you put it out there, share it with someone who might offer advice or share the same feelings. Blogging lets you get out your emotions and then, later, you can re-read and see “that really wasn’t so bad.”

Blogging can be therapeutic and healing for many, but you should take into account that other people CAN read your posts! I, for example, have no qualms about who reads my posts. I talk so much shit about people that it’s ridonkulous. I don’t care. I say what I feel because it’s how I feel. Why should I apologize for that? However, some people don’t exactly have that same outlook. So, my advice to you is that if you want to write a blog, and if you care about what people may be reading consider this: censor some of what you say OR password protect posts. I don’t like password protection because I love the controversy of what I have to say sometimes.

If you’re trying to decide what to name it and what to talk about my advice is: talk about what you know and pick a name you will love. I have had various names through the years (you can use these too if you like them): Perfection, Devious Eyes, November Rain, Ghetto Princess (lol), Afflicted, Virulent, my name, Flavored Candie — the list goes on… Some other blog names are: Sugar, She Loves Sugar, and More Lemons (as in when life gives you lemons). Basically, when you think of name, make it something you love and create in a fun, loving way! Fly High, Rocketship is by far the best — and longest name that I’ve had. I don’t know where it came from, but I just fell in love! If you would like to run some names by me, I would love to hear them: just email me!

Deciding what to talk about can also be tricky. Mommy blogs are about moms and their day to day life as moms, but where do I stand? My personal blog is about my personal life. I talk about me, my life and everything happening to me particularly. Some people talk about illnesses, some people talk about hobbies… really, the possibilities are endless. Talk about what you love and what you know! That’s all I can suggest!

STEP 2 — WHAT VENUES SHOULD I GO THROUGH? WHERE DO I START??

There are two different ways you can get into this: 1. Sign up for a FREE blog or 2. Purchase and OWN your own domain and host your own blog!

Free blogs (and my opinion on them):
Blogger — Widely used and customizable, however I loathe blogger
WordPress.com — Widely used and NOT fully customizable, my most FAVORITE because it’s the platform of WordPress
LiveJournal — Gained popularity through the early 2000’s and is still used a good deal, fully customizable. I think this service is dying out however.
Tumblr — Widely used and popular, able to customize to a degree, however used for blogs with a lot of media: pictures, media, voice posts, etc.

Hosted hosting: (when someone who owns a domain offers free hosting for people to use. Usually will require you to know basic HTML and uploading skills.)
000webhost — A free site with ability to forward your domain to it and can use blogging services such as WordPress. (You only get one MySQL database if I’m not mistaken so only one install of WordPress.) It’s my favorite free host!

Purchase your own domain:
A Small Orange — I have been using ASO for a couple of years now and they have been the BEST webhost I have every come across. The pricing is very fair, I had downtime once but it was resolved quickly, and their customer service skills have surpassed any customer service I have encountered throughout my life this far. They’re amazing. I strongly recommend them for your hosting needs!!!

HAVING YOUR OWN SELF-HOSTED BLOG

Pros:

  • You make up your own rules (within reason of your host’s Terms of Use/Service)
  • You are able to customize and edit all files, so you can have whatever themes and whatever colors you want
  • You can have your own name so if you want www.whyisthisbananabrown.com you can
  • You can earn money with your site by ads

Cons:

  • You normally have to pay for these sites
  • You have to know a little about HTML, CSS, FTP, and other coding languages
  • You’re responsible for updating and maintaining the site
HAVING A FREE/HOSTED BLOG

Pros:

  • Usually free with little-to-no strings attached (maybe an ad for your host)
  • Your host maintains the server and keeps everything up to date for the most part

Cons:

  • NotΒ usually fully customizable
  • You must adhere to your host’s demands (some hosts want you to update regularly or limit the types of content you may have)
  • If you use sites like weebly or 000webhost, you will have to have ads for their hosting services (otherwise you violate their TOU/TOS)
STEP 3 — GET SOME TRAFFIC AND MAKE DAT MONEY, HONEY!

NOTE: Networking and marketing can be time consuming!!!

Once you set up a blog and have a good following then, and only then, can I suggest trying to make money from it. If you just put ads onto a site that gets no traffic, then you’re not going to make money and will only be hurting yourself (feeling sad and “why don’t I have more visits?”).

Once you are at a good blogging-place, then you can get traffic by:

Social Networking — make sure you follow other people and comment on their stuff, too. Think: Comment for Comment and Follow for Follow.
Twitter
Facebook Pages
SITSGirls
(click here for more options for networking)

Find Blogs With Similar Interests
Blog Catalog
Blogarama

Making Money With — again, be SURE you can devote time to this and have a decent following to support you!
Google AdSense
Chitika
Amazon Associates

SO, IN CONCLUSION…

I hope that I have helped you a little bit in where and how to get started, how to network yourself and make some money with what you love to do! Starting a blog can be very rewarding, but it does take work. The less you blog, the less people visit you. I lost a LOT of contacts because I stopped blogging for a couple months. Good luck to you and if you want to share what you’ve done using my little guide here, please comment below!

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