I don’t know if many people are aware of my living situation, but in February I moved in (pregnant) with my mom and Steve continued on to his mom’s house an hour away. When the baby came, I was getting so depressed and anxious that I needed help so Steve has been staying here for a while. I was hoping that getting help, a job, and Zoloft would be enough to cure me. So far so good, but now our finances will not allow for him to continue the trip and I’m terrified of falling back into the deep pit of despair.
I cried to Steve last night because I don’t want to go back there and I know this is what we have to do. I really hated myself. I questioned everything I did/decided for Elli. I thought I was doing everything wrong. I felt like everyone, even complete strangers, were silently judging me and talking about me being a horrible mom. It was like high school… where you’re not sure what’s going to happen today and you feel ugly and dumb and that no one likes you, especially your own child.
I’m just terrified of going back there and feeling that self-loathing again. I want to be the best for Eleanor. I want to be everything my mom wasn’t. I want to be the most supportive and caring person on the planet for her. (My mom wasn’t NOT supportive, but she was a pick yourself by the bootstraps kind of person, a stop whining kind of mom.)
From my health issues, from my marital problems, to my depression, to the fact that I feel completely and utterly alone — I just want to put it ALL out there and tell you EVERYTHING. I need to let it out, but might hurt a bunch of people’s feelings and we can’t have that, now can we?
Just man the f up.
There has been so much running through my mind the last few days. It all started when my car’s ignition switch failed. At least, I think that’s what it is. Anyway, there was a huge scene/incident/fight within my family home where I’ve been staying. During this incident, things were said and tempers were raging. However, I am a logical person and can forgive the stuff because fights are like that, but I can’t get out of my mind the fact that someone threatened to not watch my daughter while I worked. I love my job. I love decorating cakes. I love playing in frosting all day. But, the job is a day job and I inevitably have to find a night job to ensure that Steve will be able to take care of the baby while I’m working. This really makes me sad and angry. I kind of felt like it was a threat to her, too. So I’m like worrying about how to work around all of that while I wait for a night job.
Then, I’ve been entertaining the notion of moving in to a tiny one bedroom apartment with my Elli bean. I just feel like she and I need some space and need to be together in our own world. I think she needs it and I know I need it. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the help my mom has given us, but I really think it’s best for us.
I also increased my Zoloft dose from half the pill to the entire pill because of all of the crap going on and the fact that I want to receive the same, steady dose. I want to do a lot of stuff with the website and I want to do so much for a bunch of things. I just can’t focus because of all of these thoughts swirling around in my head. 🙁
Anyway, thanks for listening to me complain and think out loud. 😛
I check out the Facebook trending topics religiously. I’m freaking obsessed. I don’t watch the news so this is how I keep up with what’s happening in the world. (Probably an awful way, but whatevs. I feel like I belong!) The first topic is Bristol Palin is expecting her second illegitimate child.
At first, I admit, I cracked some “way to go” and “haaa haa” kind of jokes, but then I really thought about it. I don’t know her. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know a lot of people who are bashing her for having a second baby out of wedlock and she’s actually coming off as upset about it. I guess I can understand because she had her first and knows what she’s in for, but it seems like it’s something she doesn’t want and the internet is eating it up. The name calling. The insults. It’s ridiculous.
I have been on the internet for a very long time and yet it never ceases to amaze me how ignorant people are on here. She shouldn’t be made to feel like an embarrassment, disappointment, or like she’s this wildly awful person because she made a mistake again. We’ve ALL done mistakes and have often times repeated the mistakes. I’m not a super religious person, but I do believe that if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be and that means she was meant to have another baby.
You may be upset about her having this baby after preaching no sex before marriage OR you may be annoyed/angered by the fact of who her mother is, but what gives YOU the right to judge this poor girl?
Dear Internet, STFU. You don’t know all, you’re not the only person in the world, and the crap you say on message boards/comments/etc. DOES hurt. You’re damn near bullying her FFS. Back up. Damn. Love, Angelica.
P.S. I’m neither Republican or Democrat so I have no political thoughts on this whatsoever. I’m whoever is the lesser of evils. 😉
Thanks for listening to me bitch. XOX
I’m an overly emotional person. If you know me in real life, then you know I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel things deeply. Since I’ve been taking Zoloft, there’s no exception to this but I don’t feel grief and worry. I guess I had a high level of anxiety going on because I don’t worry very much these days. I kind of take life as it comes.
Anyway, I was playing with Elli on the floor. I took her legs and I wiggled them side to side and she giggled. She had a huge grin (always does when it comes to mama!) and I could see a little tooth starting to poke through. This made me instantly sad because I’m realizing, especially over the last few days, how quickly she’s growing. I take a ton of pictures and videos so I can always have her baby-ness in my life. But, it feels like yesterday she was curled up in a tiny ball and laying on my chest. I was the safest, happiest, warmest place in her life and now she wants to move and get out. It makes me so sad because I feel like the first couple of months, when I should’ve been relishing in her newborn time, I was unhappy and depressed and anxious and totally took her for granted.
It just was a real moment and my heart is so heavy. Woop, she’s up! Gotta jet 🙂 MOMS: when did you realize your babies weren’t babies? How did you handle it? I seriously need some help!! 🙁